Supervision, Internships and Employment

Are You Principled? Or Rigid?

Chris Nufer, a therapist in Office of Dr. Michael DeMarco in New York City, stumbles on a real life example of how sticking blindly to our beliefs can prevent us from getting the satisfaction and happiness we want.

I had a conversation with my son yesterday about his firm conviction that most popular music is worthless. In its manufacture as a product to be sold, in it’s ruthless insistence on the common denominator, and in it’s absence of artistic risk, every popular song on the radio is bad. 

So with that broad swath of the universe accounted for, I asked, should we assume that all music that is NOT on the radio is good?  Of course not, he replied, but wouldn’t I agree that music that is played for the sheer joy of it and not primarily for money has more redemptive potential than commercial music?

This conversation went on in this vein for a while.  It was certainly not the first time we had had this “art for art sake” discussion.  I tend to applaud his ethics but I find myself being a bit more pragmatic.  He on the other hand, as a man in his in his mid twenties, sees artistic integrity as the fundamental building block for a life with meaning. He rails against what he sees as the manufactured celebrity of someone like Justin Timberlake, but I can’t help wonder what his tune would be if Justin came up out of the small crowd at one of his band’s appearances and offered him a recording deal.

The point is this: My son is a hard-working musician who believes he is doing everything he can to carve out a career. However, he also believes deeply that if he compromises his principles and sells out in any way, he is dooming himself to same mediocrity that offends him so much. This rigidity obviously gets him in trouble.  What he sees as sticking to his principles can often be interpreted as inconsiderate, selfish or just plain pig-headed. As a result, he ends up losing opportunities to be recognized and rewarded for his talent. As bright as he is, he has a bit of a blind spot when comes to connecting his career frustrations with his lack of flexibility.

I often run into the same situation with some of my clients.  They believe they MUST do this or they SHOULD do that and if they don’t it will be AWFUL. When situations come up that demand flexibility, their rigidity often prevents them from achieving a positive outcome. Having values and sticking to your principles is all well and good.  But part of having integrity is having the insight, courage and humility to continuously question your behavior. We have to allow ourselves to be wrong from time to time especially when course adjustments are required. When beliefs are only used as defenses instead of a base from which to explore the world and test its complexities, our ability to engage and adapt breaks down. Losing the ability to engage leads to depression.  The inability to adapt tends to make us fearful and creates anxiety. 

So just as I offered my son a suggestion that great music is born out of both rigid adherence to working within the confines of music theory and the ability to flow creatively within and around those confines, I offer this for your consideration: Beliefs, values and principles are wonderful when they provide our lives with meaning and structure. But when we lose the ability to consciously observe the effect holding fast to our beliefs is having on our lives, our inflexibility puts us at risk of detouring unwittingly into the land of the depressed, the anxious and the disappointed.

- Chris Nufer

05/20/13

5 Ways to Stop Pining for the Past

By Allie Brickman

“Cause the good ‘ol days weren’t always good and tomorrow ain’t as bad as it seems…”                                              

    -Billy Joel

“The good ol’ days,” “yester-year,” “Our glory days,” …we have many names for the great times in our lives. These times can leave us with wonderful memories that comfort us for years to come. However, sometimes these memories serve as a reminder of what we wish we still had, and moving on becomes a painful pursuit. 

The following are some techniques to help you stop pining for the past, and start live in the present:

1)   See through the fog

Sometimes time creates a haze around our memories, and the past looks like this perfect entity…a flawless time, place, relationship, or state of mind that can never again be attained. But see through the fog- no matter how good the past was- it was not perfect. When we are currently feeling sadness or pain it’s especially easy to idealize the past. Just remember, perfection doesn’t exist, and the past is no exception.

2)   Look at all angles 

Just as it’s easy to ignore the negative in the past, it’s easy to ignore the positive in the present. When we feel an overwhelming pang of regret or feelings of missing something it’s easy to let ourselves fall into the belief that everything, for lack of a better word, sucks. But the word ‘everything’ is what we need to focus on…though it’s sometimes hard to see it, life isn’t everything or nothing. There is good in our lives, even in the times we feel sadness. Look at your life from all angles, and to help- you can write down three things you are thankful for in your life today.

3)   Find the gifts it gave

Just because the past is in…the past, doesn’t mean it didn’t give you anything beneficial for today. The past teaches us what we do and don’t want out of life, people, and ourselves. Without these experiences, we wouldn’t learn nearly as much about what’s important to us. Take some time to find the good things your past has left you with in your present life. 

4)   Opening up so you can let go

A lot of times we hold on to the past because we keep our emotions about it locked up. We don’t open up to people about our wishes, our pains, our hopes, and our memories. Keeping these things bottled up can hinder our ability to let the past go. Whether it’s talking to a friend, a therapist, or expressing yourself through writing or some other means, letting your emotions out will help you understand your feelings and help you towards letting the past go.

5)   The power to create

Most of us only truly linger in the past when we are not satisfied with our present. So, let’s make a change! What do you wish was different? What can you do to make these differences? You have the power to change your life for the better. Even if you can’t make it perfect (since we know that doesn’t exist) you can make it better. It’s your life and it’s in your control.

If you’d like guidance along your path to letting go of the past and living fully in the present, feel free to contact me at allie@mytherapist.info or call 212-343-7008 x9 to set up an appointment today.

05/14/13