False Assumptions

The three famous false assumptions

1.     If you need lubricant you are not excited enough.

2.     If you need sex toys you are not good in bed

3.     If you need fantasies you are not in love or attracted to your partner.

Given these very strong statements you’d think lube, fantasy, and sex toys are taboo in all bedrooms of New York. How can that be if the sex toy industry is a multi-billion dollar business and the most expensive vibrator is sold for more than $3000? The only rational conclusion one can come to; those statements are false!

If you need lubricants you are not excited enough = FALSE

Women naturally lubricate but some women will not produce enough moisture for pleasurable intercourse. This is inherently organic and not related to the level of arousal. If you feel dry, and sex is uncomfortable don’t avoid lube! And if you are from those gals who do lubricate, you can still use lube. And guys, stop doing sandpaper masturbation, use lube! Lubricants add sensation and they don’t have to be the boring KY jelly you buy in the pharmacy. There is a very large array and selection of lubes. Shop around and experiment until you find something you love.

If you need sex toys you are not good in bed = FALSE

Again, given the vast market of sex toys, the only rational conclusion one can come to; people enjoy sex toys! Sex toys enhance our sexual encounters. The variety is so large - from vanilla to kink to fetish, there is always a toy you can feel comfortable with and begin to enjoy. Sex toys in your bedroom are there to enhance yours and your partner’s play, irrelevant to penis size, body size, boob size, and whatever other shenanigans we convince ourselves make a good sex life. Don’t shy away from sex play and sex toys. Begin to challenge and talk back to your false assumptions. Don’t let your false assumptions come between you and your partner or you and your own sexuality.

 If you need fantasies you are not in love or attracted to your partner = FALSE

The false assumption of fantasies seems to be the hardest to let go of. People see this as an invasion. People often spend their entire sexual encounter chasing the fantasy out; during solitary sexual experiences but more so during partner sexual encounters. The most common statement; “It’s an invasion, it’s wrong, if you are attracted to your partner you should not have fantasies!” or how about the confusion when a fantasy is the polar-opposite of what you believe in? Fantasies are mysteriously complex. For the sake of this blog, I will only highlight some of the main pointers.

Our lives are hectic and overwhelming, most of our day is spent in a complete tailspin, and then night comes... (or any other time you are interested in having sex) We are now interested in climbing out of our head, come back to earth, and begin to enjoy the pleasure of sex and play. But, demanding your mind to stop running is an impossible feat. Here is where fantasy is your savior. Despite the phrase “men think with their penis” Arousal truly starts in the brain. If your mind is occupied, arousal is likely to remain on the back burner - fantasy is a great distraction.

“What you fantasize in the dark is not what you do in the light.” Fantasies are not an indicator of a secret wish, and if you were given the opportunity to act on your fantasy you would. "The beauty of fantasy is that it allows you the freedom to experiment with sexual variety beyond the limits of reality (Heiman, LoPiccolo, and LiPiccolo)”. I would suggest reading the book Arousal by Dr. Michael Bader. Dr. Bader provides an overview as to why we choose specific fantasies. It is best when the fantasy connects with the current sensation. The key to positive fantasy is the ability to skate between the fantasy and the live sensation with out escaping completely to the fantasy. Most importantly, your fantasy is all yours. Never feel that you need to share this with anyone, including your partner.

I am advocating for you and your partner to have the ability to act sexually without judging each other and for YOU to act sexually without judging yourself! “Be attracted to yourself first, before you are attracted to others.”

Talk soon,

S

 

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